Post by Heidi on Jan 30, 2009 20:55:51 GMT
You may have heard of Skippy's List, or, you might even be a fan of it. I find it a little tasteless myself, but I've seen other people do parodies of it, and I thought I'd might parody it myself. Besides, new recruits can be a handful, right? 
1. Not allowed to paint the tanks pretty colours.
2. Not allowed to paint the planes pretty colours.
3. Especially no painting Nathan's Warhawk pretty colours.
4. No screwing around with the equipment in general. They do not need an "upgrade" unless requested by trained personnel and/or a CO. This includes modifying the tanks to shoot paint, or attaching banners that say "I HEART RHYS BEVAN" to Nathan's plane's tails.
5. No impersonating the COs.
6. No impersonating the COs while drunk.
7. Not allowed to start a Rhys Bevan fanclub.
8. Not allowed to build a Rhys Bevan shrine.
9. Not allowed to start an Edward McMillan fanclub.
10. Not allowed to build an Edward McMillan shrine.
11. No starting fanclubs of any kinds for the other soldiers.
12. No building shrines dedicated to the other soldiers.
13. Not allowed to hang the undergarments of people the newbies hates from the flagpole.
14. Or modify the mortars and tanks to shoot underwear (see rule #4).
15. Especially not Patterson's.
16. Or Jacka's.
17. Or Brentwood's.
18. No spiking the punch at parties just to get the COs drunk.
19. And no taking of pictures of the drunk COs, either.
20. Especially if they involve mistletoe.
21. At no point are we to release a skunk into the barracks.
22. Or a bunch of reporters.
23. Or both.
24. Speaking of reporters, we are not allowed to sell the journals of other soldiers, or embarrassing pictures, duck-patterned pajamas, or anything else that might be used for blackmail material.
25. Especially for large sums of money.
26. No, we may NOT give Brentwood a wedgie on one of his bad days.
27. Or steal his cigarettes to annoy him.
28. No joyriding in the tanks.
29. Or the planes.
30. Or the halftracks.
31. Basically, no joyriding in anything that moves.
32. No asking Patterson for piggy-back rides.
33. No giving wedgies to anyone, since it was forgotten to be mentioned before.
34. Anti-tank guns ARE NOT A TOY.
35. Neither are machine guns.
36. Speaking of which, no stealing Mac's Thompson.
37. Or any gun from anyone, for that matter.
38. May not gang up on anyone we don't like and give them a swirly/bogwash.
39. Especially the COs.
40. May not set off firecrackers in the COs' trousers.
41. Or sparklers.
42. Or any explosive, for that matter.
43. May not throw potatoes at the experienced soldiers and yell, "GRENADES!" or "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
44. May not pretend to be any soldier's "secret admirer".
45. May not set off any kind of explosive in the bathrooms.
46. Especially in the toilets.
47. May not report for duty wearing pajamas.
48. Not even if they have camoflauge and insignia, or are steel-toed footsies.
49. Never are we to give coffee to Adelheid. Last time that happened, we lost a Spitfire.
50. No pressing our faces against the windows of the Officer's Mess and mouthing, "FOOOOOOOD!"
The next few are courtesy of Lt. Nicholas Ealing (minor edit by me to rule #54 and #55). Boy, those greenhorns can be a handful for the 3ID, now can't they?
51. Pointing out the similarities between CPT. Patterson and Mr Potato Head will not go down well in the Officer's Mess.
52. Referring to Luther as "Lex" is not a good idea.
53. No telling Mark Davies that his avatar makes him look a bit like Stalin.
54: Making tasteless jokes about Niamh Dumley and Stephen Colly's strange attraction to horses will not be tolerated. (And woe betide anyone who shows Niamh or Stephen this rule.)
55: Punch Nathan. Go on. Do it now! (This is an example of sarcasm by your higher officers, greenhorns. Learn to detect it.)
56: Don't not be kindly unkind to Rafael Z. Wolfram, unless you'd like to not attempt to not have a go at not being unkind.
By Addie...
56. May not leave onions under every bunk in the Officer's Barracks.
57. May not see what "**** hitting the fan" looks like in real life.
58. Especially in the Officer's Mess.
59. May not hide important files in the soiled undergarments sections of the barracks' laundry.
60. Or beer.
61. Or cigarettes.
62. Or dog-tags.
63. Or anything else we can think of.
64. Not allowed to play "pin-the-tail-on-the-CO" when the CO is asleep.
65. Or awake.
66. Or drugged/comatose.
67. No dancing in the shower.
68. May not flush CO's belongings down the toilet.
69. May not poke Speirs when he is grumpy/tired/upset/etc.
70. May not drop a melon on Jacka's head.
71. Or bricks.
72. Or pillows.
73. Or anything, really.
74. This applies to all COs.
75. No using fire-farts as a substitute for flamethrowers.
76. No matter how many cans of beans we eat.
PuNk's...
77. You may not talk about Adelheid in the Cbox, she will haunt you.
78. You may not call Captain Patterson - Patty, without him thinking about cow-dung.
79. You must never smile at Strumfelder.
80. or Nathan without him getting the wrong idea.
81. You can smile at Jonas however, but do not wink!
82. You may not eat chocolate on the battlefield (Veteran members will understand this). I do!
83. or even have the name Winters without being spat on.
84. You may not talk to Nathan or Rhys about Irish people.
85. Don't poke Dan when he's drunk.
86. Or Adelheid full stop.
87. Did I mention, never have the name Winters on this website ever...
88. Do not attempt to shake Strumfelder's hand, unless you have a hook too.
89. Never, Ever attempt to be nice to Brentwood.
90. Or offer him drugs... No wait, you can do that. :]
Addie, again
91. Do not deny Charles Norris his coffee.
92. Or Brentwood.
93. Or any other CO/veteran member.
94. May not give Brentwood a mohawk when he's asleep.
95. Or any other CO/veteran member.
96. McMillan is exempted from rule #82 because he can fire a tank while downing a Hershey bar in ten seconds flat. Don't be a smart-aleck and try the same thing, because then he will fire you from his tank.
JT
98. Never argue with Doc, even if he doesn't know it, only mentioning it is enough to send him on a journey to figure it out, just assume he is always right.
99. Do not insult the SS, is the "Waffen SS" and it will own you one way or another.
100. Do not speak of happy things to DBev, they will become unhappy things.
101. Oil, even baby oil, and fire do not mix, should you make the mistake you better bring marshmellows, and ointment.
102. Do not assume that because you own a sniper rifle, that you are in fact a sniper, it is a fatal mistake.
103. Do not think that an instructor likes you all of a sudden just because they are nice during a certification test, they only want your money.
Dan
104. Never join a thread with Dan, unless you have another thread set up to pass the time while he is making his posts.
Owen
105. Since he wasn't mentioned in the first hundred and four, something something something Owen...
Nathan
106. Never annoy Nathan. Especially if you're Allied and plan on air support in your next battle.
~ 56-106 added in by Nathan
The Many Things The New Recruits May Not Ever Do. EVER. (A WIP)
1. Not allowed to paint the tanks pretty colours.
2. Not allowed to paint the planes pretty colours.
3. Especially no painting Nathan's Warhawk pretty colours.
4. No screwing around with the equipment in general. They do not need an "upgrade" unless requested by trained personnel and/or a CO. This includes modifying the tanks to shoot paint, or attaching banners that say "I HEART RHYS BEVAN" to Nathan's plane's tails.
5. No impersonating the COs.
6. No impersonating the COs while drunk.
7. Not allowed to start a Rhys Bevan fanclub.
8. Not allowed to build a Rhys Bevan shrine.
9. Not allowed to start an Edward McMillan fanclub.
10. Not allowed to build an Edward McMillan shrine.
11. No starting fanclubs of any kinds for the other soldiers.
12. No building shrines dedicated to the other soldiers.
13. Not allowed to hang the undergarments of people the newbies hates from the flagpole.
14. Or modify the mortars and tanks to shoot underwear (see rule #4).
15. Especially not Patterson's.
16. Or Jacka's.
17. Or Brentwood's.
18. No spiking the punch at parties just to get the COs drunk.
19. And no taking of pictures of the drunk COs, either.
20. Especially if they involve mistletoe.
21. At no point are we to release a skunk into the barracks.
22. Or a bunch of reporters.
23. Or both.
24. Speaking of reporters, we are not allowed to sell the journals of other soldiers, or embarrassing pictures, duck-patterned pajamas, or anything else that might be used for blackmail material.
25. Especially for large sums of money.
26. No, we may NOT give Brentwood a wedgie on one of his bad days.
27. Or steal his cigarettes to annoy him.
28. No joyriding in the tanks.
29. Or the planes.
30. Or the halftracks.
31. Basically, no joyriding in anything that moves.
32. No asking Patterson for piggy-back rides.
33. No giving wedgies to anyone, since it was forgotten to be mentioned before.
34. Anti-tank guns ARE NOT A TOY.
35. Neither are machine guns.
36. Speaking of which, no stealing Mac's Thompson.
37. Or any gun from anyone, for that matter.
38. May not gang up on anyone we don't like and give them a swirly/bogwash.
39. Especially the COs.
40. May not set off firecrackers in the COs' trousers.
41. Or sparklers.
42. Or any explosive, for that matter.
43. May not throw potatoes at the experienced soldiers and yell, "GRENADES!" or "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
44. May not pretend to be any soldier's "secret admirer".
45. May not set off any kind of explosive in the bathrooms.
46. Especially in the toilets.
47. May not report for duty wearing pajamas.
48. Not even if they have camoflauge and insignia, or are steel-toed footsies.
49. Never are we to give coffee to Adelheid. Last time that happened, we lost a Spitfire.
50. No pressing our faces against the windows of the Officer's Mess and mouthing, "FOOOOOOOD!"
The next few are courtesy of Lt. Nicholas Ealing (minor edit by me to rule #54 and #55). Boy, those greenhorns can be a handful for the 3ID, now can't they?
51. Pointing out the similarities between CPT. Patterson and Mr Potato Head will not go down well in the Officer's Mess.
52. Referring to Luther as "Lex" is not a good idea.
53. No telling Mark Davies that his avatar makes him look a bit like Stalin.
54: Making tasteless jokes about Niamh Dumley and Stephen Colly's strange attraction to horses will not be tolerated. (And woe betide anyone who shows Niamh or Stephen this rule.)
55: Punch Nathan. Go on. Do it now! (This is an example of sarcasm by your higher officers, greenhorns. Learn to detect it.)
56: Don't not be kindly unkind to Rafael Z. Wolfram, unless you'd like to not attempt to not have a go at not being unkind.
By Addie...
56. May not leave onions under every bunk in the Officer's Barracks.
57. May not see what "**** hitting the fan" looks like in real life.
58. Especially in the Officer's Mess.
59. May not hide important files in the soiled undergarments sections of the barracks' laundry.
60. Or beer.
61. Or cigarettes.
62. Or dog-tags.
63. Or anything else we can think of.
64. Not allowed to play "pin-the-tail-on-the-CO" when the CO is asleep.
65. Or awake.
66. Or drugged/comatose.
67. No dancing in the shower.
68. May not flush CO's belongings down the toilet.
69. May not poke Speirs when he is grumpy/tired/upset/etc.
70. May not drop a melon on Jacka's head.
71. Or bricks.
72. Or pillows.
73. Or anything, really.
74. This applies to all COs.
75. No using fire-farts as a substitute for flamethrowers.
76. No matter how many cans of beans we eat.
PuNk's...
77. You may not talk about Adelheid in the Cbox, she will haunt you.
78. You may not call Captain Patterson - Patty, without him thinking about cow-dung.
79. You must never smile at Strumfelder.
80. or Nathan without him getting the wrong idea.
81. You can smile at Jonas however, but do not wink!
82. You may not eat chocolate on the battlefield (Veteran members will understand this). I do!
83. or even have the name Winters without being spat on.
84. You may not talk to Nathan or Rhys about Irish people.
85. Don't poke Dan when he's drunk.
86. Or Adelheid full stop.
87. Did I mention, never have the name Winters on this website ever...
88. Do not attempt to shake Strumfelder's hand, unless you have a hook too.
89. Never, Ever attempt to be nice to Brentwood.
90. Or offer him drugs... No wait, you can do that. :]
Addie, again
91. Do not deny Charles Norris his coffee.
92. Or Brentwood.
93. Or any other CO/veteran member.
94. May not give Brentwood a mohawk when he's asleep.
95. Or any other CO/veteran member.
96. McMillan is exempted from rule #82 because he can fire a tank while downing a Hershey bar in ten seconds flat. Don't be a smart-aleck and try the same thing, because then he will fire you from his tank.
JT
98. Never argue with Doc, even if he doesn't know it, only mentioning it is enough to send him on a journey to figure it out, just assume he is always right.
99. Do not insult the SS, is the "Waffen SS" and it will own you one way or another.
100. Do not speak of happy things to DBev, they will become unhappy things.
101. Oil, even baby oil, and fire do not mix, should you make the mistake you better bring marshmellows, and ointment.
102. Do not assume that because you own a sniper rifle, that you are in fact a sniper, it is a fatal mistake.
103. Do not think that an instructor likes you all of a sudden just because they are nice during a certification test, they only want your money.
Dan
104. Never join a thread with Dan, unless you have another thread set up to pass the time while he is making his posts.
Owen
105. Since he wasn't mentioned in the first hundred and four, something something something Owen...
Nathan
106. Never annoy Nathan. Especially if you're Allied and plan on air support in your next battle.
~ 56-106 added in by Nathan
