Post by Arley Voegeli on Dec 9, 2007 17:53:56 GMT
Denied 
I'm ever so sorry, but i found it highly confusing to read your bio. Actions made by your character, compared to those of thoughts, became mangled - mainly because you haven't used "Commas" in seperating the two, so it makes it much harder to read.
Obviously, you know how to role-play and i'm entirely happy with your performance, but you lack description & punctuality in some places, which makes everything seem so confusing.
If you'd like to try again; altering your Bio. Please try to use a little more description and "Commas" in seperating your sentences, so it doesn't all sound like one thing.
I'm ever so sorry - if you need any help with your bio, please feel free to ask.
~Danny
Account E-Mail: Edited Out!
Name: Arley Voegeli
Nationality:German
What Army will Your Character Serve Beneath?
Nazi/German Army
Character History:
Arley was born in Kiel, His mother died in child birth so his father raised him. Before Hitler took over Arley didnt go to school, His father taught him everything how to read, write, shoot (hes a sniper), Fight, Drive. His father was a soldier. When Hitler took over Arley was 18 and he enlisted.
Military Rank:
Hauptgefreiter
Writing Sample:
Scenario: You’re alone behind enemy lines and you get the eerie feeling someone’s watching you. You’re trying to remain quiet, stay low, work your way back to the frontlines - but you can’t help but feel you’re being followed… (How does your character React? What’s running through their mind?)
Arley has the feeling that someone is watching him and he doesnt like the feeling, he does what hes told and stays down and did what his father taught him keep your head down, Arley found a good hiding spot by a rock that could protect him from a sniper he looked around him and saw no one, he hopped up and ran to the rock Bang! The shot missed him and he ran to the rock and lied himself down and saw the sniper move. Not smart Arley turned around and found the sniper he shot him in the head with his rifle he fell Arley quickly reloaded and another one came he shot him in the leg and he fell off the ledge and broke his neck. Arley didnt see any more coming he ran out and found his camp. "Sir! There are Americans coming i have killed two" Arley said "Good work men get ready!" said the captain.
I'm ever so sorry, but i found it highly confusing to read your bio. Actions made by your character, compared to those of thoughts, became mangled - mainly because you haven't used "Commas" in seperating the two, so it makes it much harder to read.
Obviously, you know how to role-play and i'm entirely happy with your performance, but you lack description & punctuality in some places, which makes everything seem so confusing.
If you'd like to try again; altering your Bio. Please try to use a little more description and "Commas" in seperating your sentences, so it doesn't all sound like one thing.
I'm ever so sorry - if you need any help with your bio, please feel free to ask.
~Danny
Account E-Mail: Edited Out!
Name: Arley Voegeli
Nationality:German
What Army will Your Character Serve Beneath?
Nazi/German Army
Character History:
Arley was born in Kiel, His mother died in child birth so his father raised him. Before Hitler took over Arley didnt go to school, His father taught him everything how to read, write, shoot (hes a sniper), Fight, Drive. His father was a soldier. When Hitler took over Arley was 18 and he enlisted.
Military Rank:
Hauptgefreiter
Writing Sample:
Scenario: You’re alone behind enemy lines and you get the eerie feeling someone’s watching you. You’re trying to remain quiet, stay low, work your way back to the frontlines - but you can’t help but feel you’re being followed… (How does your character React? What’s running through their mind?)
Arley has the feeling that someone is watching him and he doesnt like the feeling, he does what hes told and stays down and did what his father taught him keep your head down, Arley found a good hiding spot by a rock that could protect him from a sniper he looked around him and saw no one, he hopped up and ran to the rock Bang! The shot missed him and he ran to the rock and lied himself down and saw the sniper move. Not smart Arley turned around and found the sniper he shot him in the head with his rifle he fell Arley quickly reloaded and another one came he shot him in the leg and he fell off the ledge and broke his neck. Arley didnt see any more coming he ran out and found his camp. "Sir! There are Americans coming i have killed two" Arley said "Good work men get ready!" said the captain.