Not Meant To Feel (OPEN)

[Stephen Colly]

Country: Devon, England
Time: 18:32

It was so cold. Even though it was only just the end of the autumn; the air whipped around Stephen’s face as he walked. Why did it always have to be so cold when he was in a bad mood? He remembered the English classes at school, the “pathetic fallacy” which apparently meant that the weather reflected your mood, well, now it really was and he wasn’t trying to make it like that.

The trip down the little path towards the village wasn’t very far. It was a dirt track where horses and farm equipment came up daily. It was the back route to the village and Stephen remembered countless days when he was younger, hiding from the men who came up here and playing other such games with his village friends. How he wished his younger years would come back to him now, he hadn’t seen many of his old friends for ages. Some had joined up like he had and been killed, others were working in mines up north, and others simply hadn’t been killed yet.
He remembered one old friend, Henry, who had been one of his closest. The lad had been a year older than Stephen and had taken him under his wing, so much so that Stephen had begun to think of him as a brother. Henry’s family farm was a few minutes walk from Stephen’s so the two boys had spent countless hours in the fields of each other’s farm and in each other’s houses. It had been one of those friendships that would hopefully last forever. Henry had joined up and Stephen hadn’t seen him at all, he hoped that Henry would be on leave at this time, the two had sent letters and Henry had mentioned that the first week in November was when he’d be at home.

It was now the first week of November, so more winter than autumn. Stephen was walking towards Henry’s dwelling that was just along the dirt track. He had dropped in to the farm house a day ago and had met Henry’s aging mother who had told him that she would mention to Henry that he had been and that he’d be round later this week. Stephen was looking forward to seeing his old friend, and he walked quicker now.

It was late evening hence why it was dark and the only sound was the wind in the trees and the birds twittering their good night calls to mates. The boy wore, not an army uniform, but just old trousers and a shirt with a warm coat over the top and a scarf. Glancing up at the sky, he was sure he could see snow falling. Trees lined the track, a wood on the left-hand side and fields on the right. The crops in the field were swaying, making the field have an alive presence. He hurried on.

He walked a few more yards when he thought he heard something. It wasn’t a bird, but some sort of rustling. He squinted into the wood on his left and thought he saw a figure. He quickened his pace but as he did so, a person had appeared behind him and tackled him to the ground.
”Gotcha!”[/i] it was the familiar voice of Henry.

Stephen laughed and felt Henry’s weight move off of him and turned over. His friend sat on him and looked into his face and Stephen luckily saw that nothing much had changed apart from the man looked very much older. ”You gave me a fright!” he laughed and sat up slightly.
”Remember when we used to do ‘hat to passers by?!”[/i]
Stephen nodded, remembering well when they used to scare the locals that came this way. He was about to push Henry off of him when he felt the man’s hand on his chest, pushing him down to the ground. ”Hen –“ he began to say but stopped and saw the look that Henry had given him. It was a look that Stephen had only ever given one person before and that man was Edward McMillan.

”Henry.” he was able to say the whole name now but couldn’t say much else as he felt lips on his and realized with a jolt that he was being kissed, for the first time by someone who actually liked him...Henry was a homosexual too? When did that all start?! Stephen found himself kissing back, wanting the fantastic sensation to continue for ever. He found that he was running his hands through Henry’s now short hair. He felt his whole body tingle with this sudden pleasure and it didn’t feel bad or odd, it felt good and right. But he suddenly remembered what that priest had said to him only a matter of weeks ago – that it was a sinful to do what they were doing.
He found himself pushing Henry away suddenly and the man sat back on Stephen’s legs. ”That felt good didn’t it Stephen.”[/i] and Stephen felt Henry’s figures trail over his cheek and wrap around the slight curls in his hair.

”Yes Henry, yes it did. But you can’t just do that! I mean...” he glanced around and his heart almost stopped when he thought he saw a figure appearing along the track towards them.

OOC - This is open, but I'd like it to be someone who knows Stephen.

[Hendrick Davidson]

The cold, crisp air bit at Hendrick's skin like some living being and the man tucked hands under his arms when he felt the tips of his fingers getting numb. An involuntary shiver ran down his spine and he sniffed at the freezing air, wondering if he was running a fever or not. He could only hope he wasn't catching a cold, as he didn't have any extra time for being sick and he was supposed to leave for London very soon. He was running out of money and didn't want to overuse the good will of others - especially not to the extent where he would be sneezing and coughing and relying on someone to take care of him while he got better. No, he couldn't get sick right now, he had enough problems as it was. Still, Hendrick was certain that he would think of something very soon and if not, God would look after him, surely. Sometimes a wanton thought tried to disturb this nearly unshakable faith of his, telling him that once he ran out of funds, he might find himself sleeping on the streets soon enough, but he disregarded the nagging voice inside his head and told himself that things would work out fine - they always did. Hendrick frowned and sighed heavily, happy for the fact that in this dark countryside there was nobody to see his temporarily despaired face. It didn't fit a priest. After all, they were supposed to be the ones who were strong in their faith at all times.

The priest wrapped the long, black overcoat around himself better. He had acquired it, used of course, just a few days ago and had been forced to spend a good amount of his last remaining funds on it, but right now he felt thankful for the warmth it provided. He had not taken too many things with him when he had left Pennsylvania and whatever he had, he carried in the obviously moth-eaten backpack that looked like if it could fall apart at any given moment. Things really didn't seem too promising for Hendrick Davidson, but... when he really looked at the situation, not quite everything was so bad. He had his freedom to go and do as he wished, he was helping people, just as he had wanted to, and, well... he wasn't really travelling all alone anymore, either. Certainly it might have seemed as if the black-clad priest was travelling on his own, but it was only because his new companion had vanished into the fields just earlier, accompanied by furious barking, no less.

Just a week ago he had been making his way along the road to his next destination on foot, as usual, making good use of the quiet road in the early hours of the morning, when he had gotten the distinct feeling of being watched. Explaining it away with just him being far too tired and paranoid, he had continued walking, trying to shake off the uncomfortable sensation. This feeling had persisted for good half an hour, when Hendrick had finally irritatedly turned around to confront the person following him. Much to his surprise, a huge, dark-grey dog had made its way out of the brushes at the side of the road, a pair of intelligent eyes regarding the young priest, serenely and curiously. At first Hendrick had been certain he had been confronted by a wolf and not a dog, but then again, there weren't any wolves in England as far as Hendrick knew and if there had been, they certainly would not have been as fearless as this one was.

Seeing the bones sticking out from beneath the dog's thick fur had made Hendrick feel sorry for the poor animal and he had stopped to offer the animal the loaf of bread from his backpack. Since the huge dog had seemed hesitant to approach him, he had merely set the meager offering on the side of the road, told the dog to enjoy it and continued on his way. He had soon noticed the dog following him again and after sharing his food with the animal on more than few occasions, the dark-grey dog had become something akin to his shadow. He didn't expect it to stay and it always kept a respectful distance away from him, refusing to enter villages it deemed too dangerous. Somehow it still managed to find Hendrick's trail each time he moved on and Hendrick had learned to appreciate his silent companion, even if it was eating a good portion of his already humble rations. Maybe God had noticed that Hendrick had been feeling rather lonely lately and had decided to send a companion to watch over him.

This little thought made Hendrick feel slightly better about things and he adjusted the strap of the backpack on his left shoulder, allowing a small smile creep up to his lips. Just for that moment, he managed to forget how cold, hungry and miserable he felt, how dark it was and how he had absolutely no idea on where he'd find a shelter for the night. God was looking after him and that was all that mattered. And now of course, Dog, too, as Hendrick had temporarily named his rather wolfish-looking friend. He had not bothered coming up with a better name yet, for he had not been sure if the dog would stick around or not. He didn't want to get too attached to it, although he already knew it was too late.

As soon as the doubts of the dog's final disappearance entered his mind, the animal suddenly bolted towards Hendrick, barreling along the road and barking in a low, deep voice. It had attempted to run along the dirt track, but had spotted something on its way, deeming that it was safer to run towards the priest rather than the two shady human figures it had just spotted. The animal swerved around Hendrick, passing closer to him than it had ever before, and came to a long, skidding stop behind him. The dog growled low in its throat, turning around and staring towards the direction it had just bolted from. Hendrick blinked, his blue eyes full of confusion as he slowly focused his attention towards the track in front of him, just to spot two strange figures not too far from him. They were human figures, that much he could tell, but one of them appeared to be lying down, the sight making sudden, cold fear grip Hendrick's insides. Something must have happened and that was why Dog was so worked up. Maybe he had smelled blood? An accident? A mugging? Should he run towards the figures or away from them?

The man stepped gingerly towards the strange figures, his eyebrows furrowed in worry and confusion. "Hello? Is everything all right?"

[Stephen Colly]

Henry hadn’t noticed the figure and had turned Stephen’s face towards his, taking his chin in one hand and kissing him again. Stephen, on the other hand, had noticed the animal-like figure and the growl and had put two and two together to realize that that thing was a dog. And with the dog came an owner possibly? Ah yes, there seemed to be someone with the dog and they were heading in the two boys’ direction.

Henry, still was completely oblivious to the fact that they both could easily be attacked on by a dog and a person any second, had been nuzzling affectionately at Stephen’s neck. ”I’ve had feelings for you ever since I saw you in uniform.”[/i] he muttered softly into Stephen’s ear. ”And I could tell you were like me just by the way you looked at other men.”[/i]
The hairs on Stephen’s neck stood up on end at these words. No, he didn’t love Henry in the way Henry felt but to be able to have feelings projected towards him with out having to earn them, was in deed a nice thought. How Stephen wanted to say that he loved Henry more than anything in the world but it just wasn’t so. He found the two had been such friends that to have that kind of illegal relationship was maddening. Anyway, Stephen had been trying to get rid of his demons that haunted him ever since that priest had spoken to him. He had been praying to God every night and morning but obviously hadn’t been trying hard enough.

He glanced in the direction of the figure and dog and realized with a jolt that they were coming closer every mini-second. ”For fuck’s sake, Henry, look.” he muttered and Henry stopped his nuzzling and jolted up, seeing for the first time what Stephen saw. ”Shit.”[/i] was all he said and toppled backwards on to the dirt beside Stephen who had sat up and began to try and make out who the person was. The dog looked big and terrifying. Horses, Stephen could do dogs no.

Henry had stood up and had wiped off the dirt from his clothes, running a hand through his hair and standing up straight. Only now was Stephen able to see what the man was wearing and how much he had matured over the last few months when they hadn’t seen each other. Henry wore a flight sergeant’s uniform (in the RAF?!) and had toned up, Stephen could almost depict each individual stomach muscle. ”Fly us out of here then.” he joked slightly and stood up also, brushing himself down and pushing his hands deeper into his pockets, wishing he wasn’t going to a) get mugged and b) or even attacked by a big-looking dog.

But when he heard the voice and when he recognised said voice, he now knew that he wanted to definitely fly off in a plane. It was the priest – Davidson. ”Hello? Is everything alright?” What the hell was he doing here of all places?!

”Everything is fine.” Stephen said quietly, ”We were just um...” he trailed off and stepped behind Henry for protection from the preaching that would no doubt follow if Hendrick recognised him. Henry meanwhile had been staring at the dog by the priest’s side, the thing looked depressingly dull but the eyes and teeth were definitely not and he stepped away from it with a disgusted look on his face. ”You goin’ to keep that dog under control?”[/i] he muttered, snapping slightly at the priest.

Stephen felt slightly sorry for the man standing before them, to stubble upon an act that was definitely not God-like and everything but right in society. But what Stephen had felt had felt so right and proper that to be told that it was a wrong thing was awful. He snaked his hand towards Henry’s, to clutch it in reassurance but Henry had swatted it away and had pointed his thumb downwards as if to say “not now”. So, Stephen kept his hands to himself and his eyes on Hendrick from behind Henry’s shoulder whilst Henry did the talking, turning the attention on the priest:
”Are you lost, sir? Would you like to know directions to get to the nearest pub? It’s just up this track and a rather pleasant place. This track really isn’t safe at night, sir.”[/i] and then ”Come on, Stephen. Must be on our way.”[/i] and proceeded to turn around and head towards the village. Henry’s shadow that had been covering Stephen’s face fully, now when Henry moved away, revealed Stephen’s face fully. He smiled slightly at the priest, ”Hello again.” he said quietly, not really knowing if he should just stand there or disappear after Henry who had stopped a little way ahead and had called him again. He stood awkwardly, as if wanting to say something but decided better not and turned to follow Henry – hoping the priest would not want to engage in any more conversation.

[Hendrick Davidson]

A shadowy figure stumbled up from the ground in a hurry, while the ominous dog still stood behind Hendrick, growling low in its throat. At first it had seemed as if the person lying down on the ground had been attacked by the other one, but judging by the way he was now getting back up to his feet, he had not been in any danger at all. Hendrick's eyebrow arched in confusion and puzzlement as he stared at the two young men, the other one now brushing dust off his clothes. The two of them exchanged a few words which Hendrick wasn't quite able to hear and the American shuffled his feet in increasing discomfort. The encounter had changed from being suspenseful to just plain awkward and Hendrick waited patiently for one of the young men to say something. The other one opened his mouth, attempting to explain the situation, but he obviously couldn't find the right words and decided to hide behind his friend. Hendrick tapped down the lapels of his coat, wondering if he looked intimidating in his long, black overcoat, but then he heard the guttural growl of Dog from behind him. Yes, of course. The dog.

Hendrick was already prepared to apologize for the intrusion, when the other one snapped at him, inquiring if he'd keep the dog in check. The initial words never left Hendrick's lips and he quickly glanced behind him, the obvious response already forming within his mind. It wasn't his dog, so he had no idea if it was aggressive or not and he was aware that he didn't have any control over it, either. He hadn't exactly ever seen it bite anyone, but then again, it didn't mean that it wasn't capable of doing so. He wasn't going to lie, but maybe it was best to just... skip around these facts, at least for the moment. He didn't one anyone attacking Dog just because it didn't have an owner, so this was his way of protecting it. Hendrick cleared his throat, trying to ignore the hostile tone of the young man and he answered with a small, nervous smile. "Oh, I'm sure Dog didn't mean to scare you, I'm terribly sorry about that. He is often more scared of people than people are scared of him. If you can believe... such a thing," the man added sheepishly in his distinct American accent. As if to emphasize his words, he turned around half-way, motioning at the growling animal with his hand. "It's all right, Dog. Calm down now."

His serenely spoken words seemed to have at least some effect on the wolfish beast and it hid its sharp canines slowly, although a distinct growl still rumbled deep within its chest. Hendrick directed his attention towards the young men once again, just in time to see the other one trying to snake his fingers into the other man's hand. The expression on Hendrick's face froze for a second and he appeared stupefied by what he had just seen, even though the other man quickly denied the other one's gesture and started speaking to the priest instead. Some of the words almost escaped Hendrick's attention, as he was still blinking slowly and staring at the men in confusion, but he could hear the man directing him to the local bar, further explaining that the track wasn't safe at night. The left corner of Hendrick's mouth withdrew to form something resembling a confused smile and he shook his head slightly. What, a pub? He was a priest! He didn't drink alcohol and he certainly didn't frequent pubs, although during his travels he had been forced to visit a few when looking for places to stay. It still wasn't preferable to show up in a pub wearing clerical clothing, so he would have rather looked at some other options, first.

It appeared that the other man was content in just giving Hendrick directions before taking off and judging by the manner in which he spoke, the young priest could only fathom that his presence had made the man quite agitated. He wasn't sure if the man had figured out that he was a priest, although that could have explained his irritation. Some people simply could not stand priests and would do anything to get away from him as quickly as possible. Then again, the collar of the black coat could sometimes hide his clerical collar and the sudden anger might have stemmed from other reasons entirely. He still remembered the way the other man had been reaching out for his friend's hand, but he shook the thought away, putting it on the account of a mere misunderstanding.

Hendrick would have certainly liked to remain strong in that illusion, but then he heard the other man call his friend 'Stephen' and as the man turned around to leave, Hendrick immediately recognized the young Corporal he had met in Exeter. The pieces of the puzzle seemed to suddenly fall together and an expression of disappointment was evident on the priest's features when Stephen greeted him with a quiet hello. So, the young man had not been able to fight off his demons, after all? Had the temptation been too great or had Hendrick's words simply been ineffective? Maybe he had not prayed enough for the young man? Whatever the reasons were, a heavy weight seemed to have appeared on Hendrick's chest and he watched as the young man already turned around to follow his friend... or his lover, whatever he was. The thought seemed so alien to him, he couldn't really even process it effectively, so he was left staring after the two men.

For a moment he felt as if he should just let it be, that it was best to follow the advice he had been given and search out this pub, just in case it was the kind that also rented out rooms. The darkness was deepening around him and he felt immensely tired, especially now that the forlorn feeling of failure and disappointment were weighing him down. But would God have wanted him to give up so easily? What were the chances of just randomly running into Stephen Colly again, anyway? Hendrick's blue eyes narrowed in deep thought and suddenly he felt his resolve strengthening, as if someone had pushed away the heavy burden and reassuringly patted him on the shoulder. He could almost imagine his surroundings bathing in sudden, bright brilliance and he knew it was the light of his Lord and Saviour. Yes, of course! God had lead him to this place and He wanted Hendrick to help the young Corporal. Saving the soul of this poor, misled young man was the task God had decided to give him and he would have truly been blind, had he not realized it.

"Stephen!" Hendrick called out, taking a few steps after the two men. "Stephen Colly, I remember you," his words came out in an awkward manner as he realized that these two men wanted to just get away from him, but Hendrick wasn't going to let Stephen Colly run away and tarnish his soul with sin. "I didn't quite recognize you there at first. Isn't it funny we should meet again here, in the middle of nowhere? Although I don't really mean that in a bad way, of course not, just... I d-didn't expect to even talk to you again," Hendrick almost wanted to bite his tongue when he noticed himself stuttering. He tended to do that when he was immensely nervous, although the problem wasn't manifesting itself quite as severely as sometimes... well, not yet, at least. He gave himself a few seconds to calm down, hoping that Stephen would feel compelled to stop and talk to him, at least out of politeness, if anything. "Did you have time to think about the things we discussed?" Hendrick asked quickly, not wanting to mention any details in the presence of another person, but knowing that if politeness wasn't enough reason to stop Stephen in his tracks, maybe a little guilt would.

[Stephen Colly]

Henry was not amused at all by the man before him trying to say that the dog wouldn’t bite them. Hang on; did he just call that dog Dog? Who’d call their dog by that name when it was a dog...?! Obviously the man didn’t have any imagination what-so-ever. The dog was still growling even though its mouth was shut and that made Henry even more nervous of the thing. He wanted to leave with Stephen now and leave this funny little man with his funny little dog alone.

Stephen meanwhile had been staring at the ground, not noticing what the priest had been showing on his face. He’d let Henry deal with this man and then he would be able to get away from prying eyes. Like this one. As the boy turned away to follow Henry, he noticed the disappointment on the priest’s face and he felt rather guilty as if the man had obviously just worked out what they had just been doing. He turned away and walked quickly, his conscious telling him to turn around and face the priest but his heart told him to follow Henry. When Henry had kissed him, he had forgotten everything that had been said about the type of action they were doing. How it was illegal and basically all the words of “wisdom” the priest had told him. Why? Because he felt a good and right feeling inside. That was why he hadn’t stopped himself from doing something wrong.

They had walked a few yards away from the man and dog; Henry had been muttering something that Stephen couldn’t quite catch and just as he thought they were clear and the priest would leave them be...

”Stephen! Stephen Colly, I remember you,”

Henry turned but Stephen kept his back to the priest, keeping his eyes on the ground and not wanting to turn around and face the man who would probably now give him a lecture.
"I didn't quite recognize you there at first. Isn't it funny we should meet again here, in the middle of nowhere? Although I don't really mean that in a bad way, of course not, just... I d-didn't expect to even talk to you again,"

”No.” Stephen shook his head, closed his eyes and sighed before opening them and turning around. ”I didn’t expect to see you again either.” he glanced at Henry who had a confused expression on his face and was staring at the priest as if he was some odd creature.

"Did you have time to think about the things we discussed?"

Guilt then hit him like a punch in the face. He had given the things a thought after their talk and for the rest of the days afterwards but then Henry had appeared and had knocked that slow building wall, down. He shuffled his feet and breathed steadily even though his heart was pounding against his chest. He felt suddenly very bad. He hadn’t meant to let his feelings take over his mind, he knew that the thing he felt was wrong and he had, he really had tried to make them go away.

Henry meanwhile was staring from the priest to Stephen, and back. ”Oh, so you’ve met him before?”[/i] he trailed off, jerking his thumb at the priest and turning to Stephen, who nodded. ”Right, well...I’ll get back to the house, leave you two be.”[/i] he winked at Stephen, turning his whole body around the face the boy, blocking the priest’s view. He took Stephen’s chin, tilting it upwards so he looked into his eyes. ”Don’t be long.”[/i] he murmured into his ear, touching his shoulder before smirking and ruffling the boy’s hair. He stared coldly at the priest, annoyed that the man had ruined their evening together. ”Stephen can tell you the way to the pub.” he said coldly and then hurried away into the darkness, towards the twinkling lights of a house further down the track – his.

Stephen looked after him, running a hand through his hair and hoped that he could just run after him and not have to face the priest. He sighed and turned his attention on the priest. He felt like a child being told off. ”I have thought about what you said to me.” he shrugged, saying but very unconvincingly, feeling very small and awkward just standing there. What would the priest think of him? Would he be angry? Upset?

[Hendrick Davidson]

He could already see how the young man hesitated before stopping and turning around - clearly he didn't want anything to do with the priest and Hendrick wasn't sure if it had to do with the man in Colly's company or just Hendrick, generally. People often avoided his presence (disregarding older ladies who were very keen in making amends with their Saviour before they died, offering baked cookies to Hendrick while talking endlessly about their late husbands) due to the fact that he was wearing a clerical collar and he wouldn't have been too surprised if this was the reason Colly would have rather ran away from him. When Hendrick reminded the man about their previous discussion, guilt seemed to take over Colly's features and Hendrick felt bad over using guilt to his advantage. Still, it was something priests simply had to do at times, for what else would bring the stray sheep back to the flock if not the heavy burden of guilt? His words had made Stephen pause and Hendrick could discern the confused expression over the other man's face. Asking if Colly knew Hendrick, the other man received a nod from Colly and, obviously with some reluctance, slowly agreed to leave Colly alone with the priest so they could talk. Hendrick flashed the man a small, approving smile, although he only managed to look confused and nervous. The gesture was obviously wasted, for the man paid it no mind and instead, turned around to regard Colly.

Hendrick glanced towards the sky when the other man, dressed in an uniform of the air force, turned around to address Colly. Hendrick didn't really want to know what they were saying to each other, for he would have not known how to react. The whole concept of a man loving another man in the same way a married couple would, was just so completely foreign to him, he couldn't even begin trying to understand it. Still, he wasn't the kind of person to start preaching about the scorching fires of hell, either, so he kept his peace and just stood there, waiting. His lack of good, old-fashioned contempt might have made him a very naive priest, but he just couldn't bring himself to being overly aggressive. After the other young man was done saying his farewells to Colly, he glared coldly at Hendrick before starting to make his way towards the faint lights somewhere in the distance. Figuring that the source of these warm lights were the windows of homes in the distance, Hendrick felt very abandoned and cold for a moment, but then his eyes fixed on Colly again, reminding him of the mission at hand.

By now Dog had finally stopped his continous growling, slinking a few steps further away from Hendrick and only the occasional glint of the animal's eyes could be discerned from the darkness. Hendrick shifted his weight from one foot to another nervously, clearing his throat after Colly finally opened his mouth, saying that he had, indeed, thought about Hendrick's words. Had he, really? Hendrick glanced towards the direction the other man had just disappeared off to and then at Colly, the obvious question already appearing in his mind, but... he didn't really want to ask it. With a heavy sigh, the priest stepped towards Colly, shaking his head slightly. "Have you really, Stephen..? I might have been mistaken, but to me it seemed that..." the words got stuck in his throat and Hendrick felt incredibly awkward and intrusive. "Well, it seemed that this man and you were acting quite... friendly towards each other," the young priest managed to blurt out and he quickly fixed the collar of his coat, just to have something to do.

"Stephen, it's just... if you could see things the way I do. I observe you doing things that are wrong in the eyes of God and I really want to help you, I really do. I'm worried about you," the man explained, almost all too quickly and he averted his eyes, glancing at the darkness and giving himself some more time to think. "I realize how outlandish it all might sound to you, but I feel I've been meant to help you, Colly," Hendrick returned the gaze of his blue eyes at the young man and he smiled earnestly, not really expecting the Corporal to understand the importance of the priest's holy mission. "But I can't help you if I don't understand what you're thinking. I know it's a lot to ask, but if you just tried explaining, I would understand better." The situation felt strange and almost unreal to Hendrick and he pulled the overcoat over himself better to fight the cold breeze. He had been given a task by God, yet he had no idea how to succeed in it. Still, it didn't mean he wasn't going to try and the priest tried to appear as understanding as he could as he waited for Colly's answer, silently hoping that the young Corporal would understand Hendrick's point of view.

[Stephen Colly]

Stephen meanwhile had wrapped his scarf more tightly around him and had placed his hands into the pockets of the coat he wore. He really didn’t know what the priest would say, for it had been pretty obviously that he and Henry hadn’t been “just talking.” He licked his lips at the memory of the kiss and cast his eyes down to the dirt track; he suddenly found it very interesting – all those pieces of dirt – yes, fascinating.

The priest sighed and stepped a bit closer – ”Have you really, Stephen..? I might have been mistaken, but to me it seemed that...”

The boy’s head snapped up and he stared straight into those yes, ”What? Seemed what?” he snapped slightly and then the man said it – "Well, it seemed that this man and you were acting quite... friendly towards each other," and there, Stephen saw the awkwardness of the situation that the man felt.

”Henry. His name is Henry.” he muttered quickly before letting the priest continue – "Stephen, it's just... if you could see things the way I do. I observe you doing things that are wrong in the eyes of God and I really want to help you, I really do. I'm worried about you," and then an even weirder statement – "I realize how outlandish it all might sound to you, but I feel I've been meant to help you, Colly,

”Oh, really?” he snuggled into his scarf more and stood there, completely still. ”Well....well....I don’t think you have to worry about me, Father....” he trailed off and shrugged.

"But I can't help you if I don't understand what you're thinking. I know it's a lot to ask, but if you just tried explaining, I would understand better."

That could be interesting – trying to explain the mind of a homosexual in a time when it was illegal...to a priest. Yes, interesting indeed. Stephen didn’t feel sorry for the man, he felt the man was just trying to do what he thought was right; didn’t everybody try doing that once in their lives? It was awkward for Stephen, and goodness knows how awkward for Hendrick. The man before him had been taught to worship God, to follow his ways; to preach lessons and stories that happened thousands of years ago; to believe that loving the same sex was wrong. But time was changing, the priest would soon learn that no doubt. Countless homosexuals had been told to change; to stop their wrong ways and conspire with society. But why? Why it was so wrong...there was no explanation apart from that God thought it was wrong...well why did God think it was wrong?

Stephen was contemplating asking these questions but the priest probably wouldn’t understand so he thought back to the last thing that priest had said...try to explain what he was thinking...?

”I love men.” he said bluntly, ”I used to love women but now I love men.” he shrugged his shoulders, and shook his head slightly. ”I tried to go about what you had said, but I couldn’t...I couldn’t stop this feeling I get...when I see someone I like.” he averted his gaze to the dark fields on one side of the path. ”I don’t think I even understand it.” he paused, inhaling a deep breath, and glanced over at the priest, ”I don’t believe God can help me, I don’t think I’ll be able to change, and now I know there are more people like me...well, I’ll just stick around them.” he shrugged and turned slightly, as if to walk away. ”Would you like to know the way to the pub for a bed tonight?” he asked, changing the subject.

[Hendrick Davidson]

The cold wind whipped Hendrick's blonde hair around and the man squinted his eyes in displeasure, but kept his gaze on the now very confused Stephen Colly. The young man was assuring Hendrick that he should not worry about him, but of course Stephen wasn't familiar with Hendrick's personality. He always worried about other people, whether he really knew them or not, and his compassion was sometimes taken to such excess, he forgot to take care of himself in the process. His almost childish desire to help others had been misused and made fun of before, and Hendrick was looking at things more objectively now, although his nurturing nature had not really ever changed. There was compassion in the young priest's eyes as he now observed Colly, seeing the conflict within the man. When he had first talked to Colly, he had known that the man wasn't telling him his real thoughts and had rather been just nodding at whatever Hendrick had said. He had never really told Hendrick the truth and since the priest had no idea of his thoughts, prayers had been the only help he had been able to offer the young Corporal.

That was why Hendrick made an extra effort to sharpen up and really listen to Colly when he started explaining the unusual feelings he had towards other men. His words really didn't make Hendrick feel more at ease and his eyebrows remained slightly furrowed as he kept silent, nodding every once and a while at the young man's explanation. He told the priest that he had failed to block out the feelings and that even though he did not understand it, he didn't think that he'd ever be able change. Colly doubted that even God himself would be able to help him (a notion which made the priest frown even more for a moment) and he seemed quite resolved when he said he would just rather spend time around people who felt the same way as him. The corner of Hendrick's mouth withdrew to the side, although the expression was more confused than accusing. He just couldn't believe that the man had so completely lost hope in himself and in God. Had he ever even truly wanted to change or had he just talked to Hendrick out of guilt rather than resolve? The way he was speaking now made Hendrick lean towards the second option.

He almost missed hearing Stephen's words concerning the way to the pub and he blinked, answering the man almost all too quickly. "W-well, that would be very kind of you, Stephen. Maybe you will walk with me?" Hendrick suggested with a small smile, his mind still processing the explanation he had just been given. He wasn't sure if Stephen really wanted to review the matter further, but Hendrick wasn't going to give him the chance to escape the discussion. Dog had vanished somewhere into the darkness, but Hendrick new that the animal was never too far away and he had been talented enough in tracing his tracks wherever he went.

Remembering the direction Henry had pointed out to him earlier, he nodded towards it and arched an eyebrow questioningly at Stephen. Of course, he wasn't really asking the man to follow, he was expecting him to do so - assuming that people followed his instructions seemed to come to him naturally these days, for few believers wished to argue with a man of God. He had already started walking towards the pub, stepping carefully on the path that was strange to him, keeping his eyes on his feet and letting a small moment of silence pass between them before he spoke. "You shouldn't say that you don't believe God can help you, Stephen. Everything is possible to Him, he is always there to watch over you, you just need to have faith," the man started with the easiest thing first and glanced up at the dark-blue sky, trying to come up with something fitting from the psalms or the Bible. He had always had a good memory when it came to remembering various quotes from the Bible and his face soon lit up when he recalled a proper citation. "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you. He will never let the righteous fall," Hendrick said with a small smile. His smile soon dissipated and he sighed quietly, glancing at his feet once again to pay more close attention to where he was going in the darkness. He wasn't done talking yet and soon his calm and steady voice intercepted the silence again.

"But of course, the desire to change must come within you. Just praying doesn't work, you need to believe in the change, you need to embrace it. Do you... even want to change, Stephen?" the man inquired, hoping that his words did not seem too berating. He only wanted to know the truth and he disliked it when people lied to him - and he knew they lied to him often, because they did not want to have their sins exposed, they were ashamed. They should have realized that even if Hendrick could not see through their lies, God always would and so in the end, they were only betraying themselves. He felt that Stephen had now graced him with the truth, although Hendrick couldn't say that he would have still really understood his sentiments. "I mean, you do believe in God, this much is obvious, but.. when it's against His word and also making you so conflicted, complicating your entire life, I guess.. I just don't understand why you'd wish to keep living like that," Hendrick shrugged slightly and his eyes darted to the side to regard Colly, confusion evident in the priest's expression.

[Stephen Colly]

"W-well, that would be very kind of you, Stephen. Maybe you will walk with me?"

No, no he didn’t want to walk with the priest. He didn’t want to go near the priest again; he wanted to run back after Henry and see him and....and...

But being the polite sort of person he was; and having grown up always to respect his elders; he thus nodded glumly, not wanting to make eye-contact with Hendrick as he passed him and staying silent and not moving for a few seconds before turning and following the man, falling into step with him.

They walked in silence for a short few seconds; Stephen kept his eyes on the ground and could feel his face burning up with embarrassment of the situation he was in. His first proper kiss with another man...and it had been interrupted by the very person who Stephen did not want to be seen by, doing such things. He had felt so happy kissing Henry, like he was accepted into a secret society that no one else knew about. He felt wanted...in a different way from being wanted by his friends.
”You shouldn’t say that you don’t believe God can help you, Stephen. Everything is possible to Him, he is always there to watch over you, you just need to have faith.” and then spoke a quotation which made Stephen even more confused. ”But I don’t. If God wanted to help me then he would have when I first had these feelings. He shouldn’t have allowed me to be over ruled by them...” he shrugged and glanced quickly at the priest before fixing his eyes firmly on the track ahead.

"But of course, the desire to change must come within you. Just praying doesn't work, you need to believe in the change, you need to embrace it. Do you... even want to change, Stephen?"
Another rather sick feeling filled Stephen’s stomach. Did he want to change the way he felt? Wouldn’t that be harder to over come? ”But I’d be living a lie if I changed...and lying is bad. Doesn’t the Bible say something about lying being bad? I haven’t read all of it personally...” he trailed off and stared hard at the priest. He had been told it was bad to lie – so surely, if he lied about how he felt, then he’d be sinning and then he wouldn’t be happy...he had never been told as a child that homosexuality was bad, but lying he had. He knew now that he was potentially breaking the law by being a homosexual...but he couldn’t help it. He loved men, he loved how strong they were, how beautiful they were...everything about them...

”I mean, you do believe in God, this much is obvious, but...when it’s against His word and also making you so conflicted, complicating your entire life, I guess...I just don’t understand why you’d wish to keep living like that.”

”Where in the Bible does it say that....that h-homosexuality is wrong?” he paused before the word homosexuality and distracted himself by looking up at the moon, it shone back at him and he felt safe suddenly. ”I admit, it has made my life conflicted and complicated but now...now I’ve found others like me...and I’d find it harder lying about the way I feel.” he paused and snuggled closer into his scarf.

”I guess you won’t ever be able to understand how people like me feel...” he murmured into his scarf and sped up his walking. ”I don’t mean to be rude, it’s just...I’m sorry for sounding rude.” he glanced back at the priest and gave him a small smile.

[Hendrick Davidson]

The Corporal agreed to follow Hendrick, although he did it with some reluctance and the priest felt more than just slightly awkward over the situation. He didn't actually enjoy forcing people into listening to him, but he felt he had to try. Stephen would have certainly just ran away if given the chance and that was why Hendrick now pretended he had not even noticed Colly's hesitance. When he presented the man with his questions and heard his answers, his footsteps slowed down gradually and the priest regarded the young man with a confused look. "If God wanted to help me then he would have when I first had these feelings. He shouldn’t have allowed me to be over ruled by them..." the young man said and Hendrick frowned at his words. The priest tilted his head to the side and shook his head. "Stephen, we often find ourselves tempted in life. God gave us free will, the freedom to make our own choices. We have the ability to succumb to temptation or to resist it. It is what we face each day in life. It is part of the human nature to feel tempted and we are not perfect, but this is also what makes us human. Sometimes we make the wrong choices, but they are, ultimately, our choices and not God's. And if we have wronged God's word, then we must ask for His forgiveness and repent our sins," Hendrick said solemnly and he felt safer now when the words came to him easily, when he was talking about things he was more familiar with.

He was a priest and as such he was expected to set a good example for others, always the obedient servant of the Lord, standing strong in his resolve and never succumbing to sin. Serious sins he could avoid... but he was still just a man and he often had his doubts, facing small temptations every now and then, just to feel horribly guilty later for even having sinful thoughts, no matter how small and meaningless they were. He sometimes doubted if being a priest was what he really wanted and he envied the people with families. Wives and children. These things were something he could never have and whenever he realized that, his thoughts darkened and felt like an outcast. The bitter venom of jealousy poisoned him in those moments, making him feel corrupted and alone. He never allowed such thoughts to exist for very long and he always realized how horrible it was to even doubt his conviction - he had dedicated his life to God and Him only, it was what he wanted to do, it was what he was destined to do. After these moments he would always spend several hours praying for forgiveness, but it made him feel better just marginally. Priest as he might have been, he was but a human and as such he wasn't infallible. But he tried to be.

He could understand Stephen's doubts, but he got the distinct feeling that Stephen was trying to avoid seeing and acknowledging his own sins. And if one couldn't see and understand them, how could one repent them, either? Hendrick listened attentively as Stephen continued explaining how he didn't want to commit sin by lying about his nature, which was a curious way of seeing things considering the differences between the two sins. Hendrick only nodded and stayed silent, allowing Stephen to continue instead of correcting him - he didn't want to interrupt the young man now that he was finally talking. Hendrick stepped lightly on the blades of grass, regarding the dark path ahead of him for a while, but returning his gaze back to Stephen when he asked where in the Bible it was stated that homosexuality was wrong. Stephen glanced at the moon as he admitted that his feelings had made his life more difficult, but he didn't want to lie about it, either. Hendrick sighed and allowed Stephen a small, thin smile that was almost indiscernible in the darkness. "Well, the Bible does state that it is a sin. That is why I'm trying to steer you in the right path, Stephen. You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination," Hendrick quoted the Good Book as dutifully as ever. "There are two different kinds of sins. Venial sins are smaller sins, or sins that are not committed in full understanding. For these you still must do penance, of course, and they should be avoided. Then there is mortal sin, which is graver and condemns you. Homosexuality is a mortal sin, Stephen. It means that you have defied God's word and you must do everything to put things right between yourself and Him in order to receive salvation."

Hendrick paused for a while and his blue eyes searched the dark skies, as if for confirmation, although he was really just giving himself more time to find the right words. He wanted for Stephen to realize just how serious his situation was, but he didn't want to sound overly condemning. It was difficult, of course, especially when explaining the different kinds of sins, but he hoped that the Lord would guide his words. The priest pushed his hands together in deep thought and his eyes darted to the side when the young Corporal announced that he figured that Hendrick would ever understand how "people like him" felt, immediately apologizing for sounding rude, even daring to smile lightly. Hendrick returned the smile and shook his head. "You did not sound rude, Stephen. You should just say what you think, that is what I'm here for. I'm a priest, I'm dedicated to serving the Lord, I live by His word. When I see someone in trouble, I try to help them... it is what I do," Hendrick started. "But I'm not blind, I know some people see things in a different way than I do. There are people who do not have faith and who shy away from it. Some people have faith, but they go about it in a different way. Then there are those who have faith, but are confused and lost, maybe even angry at God... for one reason or another. I can only help those who wish to be helped and some people just... simply do not," the black-clad man shrugged and he directed his gaze away from Stephen, already spying the lights in the distance.

No doubt they were close to the pub by now and Hendrick realized he was running out of time. He wasn't sure if Stephen had truly grasped the meaning of his words and if he had, did he want to really acknowledge them? Hendrick's blue eyes darted to the side to regard the young Corporal, not even noticing the cold wind ruffling his blond hair in his fervent dedication to the task. "I don't mean to sound rude either, Stephen. I am really trying to understand, that is why I'm asking all these questions. But I'm also trying to help you. I just... felt that God had given me a task, as if He lead me to this path so I could help you. What else could it have been?" Hendrick's eyes glanced upwards to the sky once again and then he stopped some ways from the lights of the pub, turning around to face Stephen, his eyes shining with earnestness as he regarded the young man. "I know it is difficult, but I hope you will at least consider my words... consult the Bible and search answers for your questions there. The time we spend walking upon the face of the Earth is very brief, but what comes after it, lasts forever," Hendrick's words were said with solemnness that belonged to a soul much older than he really was. The man grasped his other wrist as he stood there, resting his hands in front of him, a black figure among the even darker shadows, hallowed and unshakable. He seemed to be at complete ease now, all signs of uncertainty and nervousness washed away even in the middle of the growing darkness, as if the Lord had sent one of his angels to watch over Stephen and to guide him to light.

[Stephen Colly]

Jesus, excuse the pun...but this man really liked the sound of his own voice...he just kept on talking and Stephen just completely zoned out for a couple of seconds. You know that feeling when you stare at something for long enough that your eyes suddenly don’t need to blink and your mind then wanders...well, that was what Stephen was experiencing now. His mind wandered to Henry; he thought of his strong arms holding him in an embrace; his kind sweet eyes and lips...He waited to be with him now, not walking with someone who a) couldn’t seem to stop preaching, and b) didn’t believe in homosexuality as being right. The boy didn’t have the energy to start a fight over sins and morals that would probably endure if he spoke a single word to the priest whilst he spoke of how homosexuality was a “mortal sin.”


His mind stopped wandering when the priest’s words zoned into him – a sentence from the bible – You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is abomination. Oh, Stephen had missed that part completely. And rightly so if he didn’t believe in it. He had changed his tune since he had first met Hendrick. He had been lost, not knowing where to turn for help or guidance and the priest had given him some – be it confusing guidance – he had taken it on board for a matter of days but then had found better guidance; that of someone like him. If others were like him then why should he change? Other homosexuals didn’t decide to change; they just carried on their life with their secret feelings. And life in a way would be much easier to live with; maybe one day he’d find another man who felt the same way as thing; maybe when people deemed this “mortal sin” as a rightful, and joyous and celebratory act of kindness and graciousness that appeared in the same form between a man and a woman.

He could feel the priest watching him; his eyes searching him. Stephen felt slightly sorry for him; the man obviously didn’t understand what was going on in Stephen’s brain, or any of a homosexual. To him it was a mortal sin, and something that no one should feel. Hang on, what if women felt the same about themselves? What if somewhere there were also a woman and a woman, together in harmony. And hadn’t homosexuality been happening for years – as Nicholas Ealing had said – the Romans spent most of their time in bed with one another. Maybe he should pose that question to the priest – not the Roman one but the woman one.

More preaching occurred and Stephen listened slightly; disagreeing with everything the man said but standing silent. The walk hadn’t been long; and Stephen was relieved when he saw the lights of the pub up a head. He could say goodbye and leave the priest and go back to Henry. His dark eye’s met the blue of Hendrick’s. His face was expressionless as Hendrick spoke yet again.

”I don’t mean to sound rude either, Stephen. I am really trying to understand, that is why I’m asking all these questions. But I’m also trying to help you. I just...felt that God had given me a task, as if He lead me to his path so I could help you. What else could it have been?”

”Coincidence?” Stephen muttered in answer to Hendrick’s last question, smirking slightly as his own wittiness. ”I guess a priest like you will never understand the mind of a d the road. homosexual. I love men, and so do you but in a different way.” he kept his voice down as they reache

The street wasn’t too crowded at this time of the early evening. A few people walked along it, hurrying home. A few men stood outside the pub and Stephen stopped; he knew those men and didn’t want to go near them, they knew he was a homosexual and if they saw him would probably kick up a fuss. ”There’s the pub.” he lent against the wall of a nearby building, in the shadows. ”I’ve had an interesting talk, I’ll say that much.” he nodded, his eyes flickering from Hendrick’s profile to the door of the pub.

[Hendrick Davidson]

As often happened when Hendrick got caught up with quoting the Bible, he had completely failed to notice that Stephen wasn't really paying attention to him anymore and while the priest was more than happy to continue with his preaching, the young Corporal had started staring off somewhere into the distance, hardly paying much attention to Hendrick's words. It wasn't until he really paid attention to Stephen's expression that he realized that the Corporal didn't want to hear his words and he had shut them out. When the man suggested that it was a mere coincidence that had caused them to meet here, in the middle of nowhere, Hendrick's eyebrows knitted together and the corner of his mouth withdrew into an awkward half-smile when Colly smirked at his own words. "Coincidence? Well, I guess, but it would have been a pretty miraculous one at that. I just felt that maybe God..." Hendrick stumbled in his words and they trailed off. He wasn't really expecting for Colly to understand what it felt like being tasked with a holy mission, that sometimes God just spoke to you, maybe not in words, but in signs, emotions, in the small changes around you... It might have appeared strange to an outsider, but Hendrick was sure that helping Colly was a task he had been trusted with and he was now failing in it, badly.

When Stephen went on, confirming that he loved men and that Hendrick did too, in a different way, the young priest completely lost his ability to speak and he just opened and closed his mouth, trying to make sense of his words. God loved everyone, this Hendrick knew, and of course he loved everyone too, in the same sense that God did, in the way love was dictated in the Bible. Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. It meant one was to treat others kindly, to help others carry their burdens and not to judge others but to help them into the light of their Lord and Saviour. This could be hardly be compared to the kind of love Stephen was talking about, for the love he was referring to was clearly one based on carnal lust and sin of the flesh. He would have liked to ask what Stephen exactly meant by his words, but by now they had already reached the pub and the young Corporal seemed quite eager to leave. Hendrick saw the careful glance Stephen threw towards the men standing in front of the pub and he could have sworn there was a hint of fear in the boy's eyes for a moment, but then he addressed Hendrick again, referring to their discussion as an "interesting talk". Hendrick's eyes swiveled over the pub and then returned to Stephen, the priest feeling nervous and worried over the fact that he had failed to make Stephen see the sin of his actions. The burden of guilt was weighing heavily on his shoulders and the man soon averted his gaze, glancing at his feet instead, all traces of his previous self-assured stance now hopelessly lost to regret.

It was too late to change anything now, as Stephen was in an obvious hurry to leave and Hendrick cleared his throat. "W-well, it was awfully k-kind of you to walk with me, Stephen," the man found himself stuttering again in his nervousness and he glanced briefly at Stephen, trying to grace him with a friendly smile. "And... yes, th-thank you for the talk," Hendrick said quickly, his smile resembling a nervous grimace. His mind was furiously working on something intelligent to say, something that would make Stephen change his mind and to listen to him, but his thoughts were completely blank on that part and filled with horrified thoughts of failure. Feeling like an idiot, Hendrick quickly lifted his other hand, pressing two of his fingers together and drawing the sign of the cross in the air. "God bless you, Stephen. And... well, all the best to you, of course."

After exchanging these quick good byes, Hendrick pivoted around quickly and started towards the pub, his blue eyes regarding the somewhat drunken gentlemen outside the pub nervously, although he wasn't as much worried about them as he was about Stephen Colly. Hendrick had failed miserably - failed to save Colly's soul, to guide him to the right path, to invoke any guilt or doubt concerning the nature of his sins, and Colly would be the one paying the price for the priest's failure. The guilt weighed heavily on his heart and he glanced down at his feet, his expression that of desperation as his eyebrows knitted together and he stared into nothingness. "I'm sorry, Lord... I tried," the man whispered in a quivering voice, but he knew the words were meaningless to Him and that they had been expressed only in hopes of making Hendrick himself feel better. His heart shrank within his chest over the realization and the man passed past the drunken figures quietly, not wishing to be seen, wanting to punish himself with separating himself from others further. Yet another unfamiliar door closed behind Hendrick and for the briefest moment, in the middle of the torrent of his own guilt, he wondered if he was fit to be a priest after all.

[Edward"Butcher"McMillan]

Moderation Post

The following CP has been issued:

Colly - 9CP

Davidson - 9CP

-JT