Post by Guest2 on Oct 22, 2008 23:19:54 GMT
Accepted!
Your writing is good, minor faults, but the way in which you've spoken about your character, makes me feel that you're using a second-person perspective. As if at somepoints, you're in the body of the character and at other points, you're observing.
Your writing should be in third-person at all times, so you're always observing and controlling your character like a puppet. He/She/His/Hers - although you made no fault, don't get me wrong, I just had the feeling you were borderline semi first person and semi third person.
Welcome to the website though! I've granted you the rank of Corporal. You may have reached Sergeant, if your Bio' was bigger and your writing quality more detailed.
~Danny
Account E-Mail: EDITED OUT!
Name: Zack Phillips
Nationality:
US
What Army will Your Character Serve Beneath?
UK or US: US
Character History:
Born in 1924 in Kansas City, Kansas, but moved into the country at the age of 3. Zack's father became a farmer when they moved and Zack helped with all of the farming work. He didn't enjoy the work as he thought it was annoying. He started to think of ways to get out of the farming life. He thought of the idea of running away and finding a job in the city but it seemed unrealistic to him as a child. As he grew older and more weary about farming, that idea became more and more appealing.
At the age of 18 he ran away and headed back to Kansas City by way of the family bicycle. He made a few stops on his way at farmer's homes for food and rest but kept heading towards the city. When he came to the suburbs of Kansas City he passed by an enlistment station and was curious enough to stop by and ask a few questions. He was inspired to help his country in the hard times of war and enlisted there for the 101st Airborne.
Military Rank:
NCO
Writing Sample:
Scenario: You’re alone behind enemy lines and you get the eerie feeling someone’s watching you. You’re trying to remain quiet, stay low, work your way back to the frontlines - but you can’t help but feel you’re being followed… (How does your character React? What’s running through their mind?)
Zack, being in the 101st, was trained to parachute behind enemy lines. However, he was not trained to feel like someone was watching him. At first, Zack starts as he was trained, start searching for the other members of his unit with his cricket. He soon catches on to the fact that he is being watched and turns up the stealth meter a bit more. He is moving slower and taking more care in where he is going. After about 5 minutes of searching for his company, he spots someone who appears to be a soldier quietly hiding behind a tree. As trained, he clicks his cricket twice and he waits for a response... No response came.
Zack started to panic almost to the point of crying out loud. He was trained to kill a man that didn't respond, so instinctively, he brought up his M1 and took three shots at the man, tearing into his back. The man fell backwards, limp and motionless. Zack was struck with a feeling that he had never had before, the feeling of killing a man. While he stood there, silently and motionless, he hears other shots being fired from behind him. This time, they were being fired at him. The shots that Zack had fired at the soldier must have caused the enemy soldier following him
Zack dropped to the ground and started searching for cover. He found that the only cover near was the tree that the soldier had been hiding a few minutes ago, so he ran past the man he had killed and to the other side of the tree holding his helmet down as shots wizzed by his body. Seeing the man he had killed up close also cause emotional pain for Zack, but he had no time for that now. He had to take out the soldier following him but he had no idea how many there were or where they were. More shots came, this time, as he saw the flashes from the muzzles, from two different places. All the sudden he heard a cricket click two times behind him. Zack clumsily grabbed his and repeated the two clicks. It was a seargent from his unit, and he had heard the shots and come to help.
With the help of the seargent, Zack killed the two enemies attacking them and then helped find the rest of the unit. They found all but two of their friends alive, the two they found dead, were dead. Zack went on to fight for the rest of the battle, but was emotionally scarred for the rest of his life.
Your writing is good, minor faults, but the way in which you've spoken about your character, makes me feel that you're using a second-person perspective. As if at somepoints, you're in the body of the character and at other points, you're observing.
Your writing should be in third-person at all times, so you're always observing and controlling your character like a puppet. He/She/His/Hers - although you made no fault, don't get me wrong, I just had the feeling you were borderline semi first person and semi third person.
Welcome to the website though! I've granted you the rank of Corporal. You may have reached Sergeant, if your Bio' was bigger and your writing quality more detailed.
~Danny
Account E-Mail: EDITED OUT!
Name: Zack Phillips
Nationality:
US
What Army will Your Character Serve Beneath?
UK or US: US
Character History:
Born in 1924 in Kansas City, Kansas, but moved into the country at the age of 3. Zack's father became a farmer when they moved and Zack helped with all of the farming work. He didn't enjoy the work as he thought it was annoying. He started to think of ways to get out of the farming life. He thought of the idea of running away and finding a job in the city but it seemed unrealistic to him as a child. As he grew older and more weary about farming, that idea became more and more appealing.
At the age of 18 he ran away and headed back to Kansas City by way of the family bicycle. He made a few stops on his way at farmer's homes for food and rest but kept heading towards the city. When he came to the suburbs of Kansas City he passed by an enlistment station and was curious enough to stop by and ask a few questions. He was inspired to help his country in the hard times of war and enlisted there for the 101st Airborne.
Military Rank:
NCO
Writing Sample:
Scenario: You’re alone behind enemy lines and you get the eerie feeling someone’s watching you. You’re trying to remain quiet, stay low, work your way back to the frontlines - but you can’t help but feel you’re being followed… (How does your character React? What’s running through their mind?)
Zack, being in the 101st, was trained to parachute behind enemy lines. However, he was not trained to feel like someone was watching him. At first, Zack starts as he was trained, start searching for the other members of his unit with his cricket. He soon catches on to the fact that he is being watched and turns up the stealth meter a bit more. He is moving slower and taking more care in where he is going. After about 5 minutes of searching for his company, he spots someone who appears to be a soldier quietly hiding behind a tree. As trained, he clicks his cricket twice and he waits for a response... No response came.
Zack started to panic almost to the point of crying out loud. He was trained to kill a man that didn't respond, so instinctively, he brought up his M1 and took three shots at the man, tearing into his back. The man fell backwards, limp and motionless. Zack was struck with a feeling that he had never had before, the feeling of killing a man. While he stood there, silently and motionless, he hears other shots being fired from behind him. This time, they were being fired at him. The shots that Zack had fired at the soldier must have caused the enemy soldier following him
Zack dropped to the ground and started searching for cover. He found that the only cover near was the tree that the soldier had been hiding a few minutes ago, so he ran past the man he had killed and to the other side of the tree holding his helmet down as shots wizzed by his body. Seeing the man he had killed up close also cause emotional pain for Zack, but he had no time for that now. He had to take out the soldier following him but he had no idea how many there were or where they were. More shots came, this time, as he saw the flashes from the muzzles, from two different places. All the sudden he heard a cricket click two times behind him. Zack clumsily grabbed his and repeated the two clicks. It was a seargent from his unit, and he had heard the shots and come to help.
With the help of the seargent, Zack killed the two enemies attacking them and then helped find the rest of the unit. They found all but two of their friends alive, the two they found dead, were dead. Zack went on to fight for the rest of the battle, but was emotionally scarred for the rest of his life.