Post by PFC. Joey Toniatti on Mar 27, 2010 2:14:54 GMT
If you want to get SS-Rottenführer, you're going to have to do 2 things for me:
1) Tidy things up. There are a few basic mistakes such as not leaving a space after a full stop, that can easily be found by pasting the app into a MS word or whatever, and there are also a fairly large number of missing comma's in the writing sample.
2) Lengthen it a teensy bit. Nothing drastic, I just want to see a bit more length there. =]
~Dan
Account E-Mail: burghfootball3@aim.com
Name:Adelbert Van Cordlent
Nationality:
German
What Army will Your Character Serve Beneath?
Waffen SS :
Character History:
Childhood is a special time for most and so was it for Adelbert. It was a time to cherish and more then likely a time for him just to live as a normal old kid that wants to be friends with just about anybody. That is of course the ney-sayers to the Aryan race.Blond hair and blue eyes was the solution to the problems? Who knew about that obviously not Adelbert.
During his free time he would love to write poetry and storys about his friends. His family was filthy rich in ways making him able to go to schools and learn many things about the german culture/race and such. Also about grammer writing and all it was a very great time for him to be a child and want to live a long and prospurois life. He was great in school but didn’t pay much attention to it. What would he end up like his father and there friends in a factory produceing guns and such? He surely hoped not.
Adelbert grew up slowly and such just wanting to live life to its fullest and never sit around and watch the time fly by him he wanted to be doing doing doing at all times of his life. If he was bored he would find something creative to do or he would write down grammer stuff but most of all he would go outside to play with the others. He wasn’t one to be sitting around inside all the time even if no one was outside he would take a walk and such things like that.
As a teenager Adelbert’s walks became much more then just ones to look at beautiful germany. It was more like things looking at the Hitler posters and nazi signs that were just sitting around a little bit and showing what the Germans were up to now. His teenage life was filled with war and something that most were calling Blitzkrieg. What was this he would prospure to himself all the time at nights. It didn’t matter much to him right now but life would throw that at him soon enough.
The waffen SS had begun to recruit young teenagers and adults so that the army would grow larger as the Germans began to struggle in the war and more and more jews were being put into camps. Of course Adelbert was one of the many to get recruited. His fun and very lively child hood had built up to a sad and gruesome war that would change him from a young man into a young adult in no time.
Military Rank: SS-Rottenführer or SS-Unterscharführer
Writing Sample:
Allright shots were fired before. Run to the closet cover? Jesus lord what am I supposed to do? I wasn’t made for war now was I? Im the peaceful kid from the small house on the corner remember me? I don’t wanna die yet its too early for my time to be over on this earth remember that one god? Its rough yes I know but will you lend your great hand down too me and help with this huge fuck up im in? Please I beg of you.
Now that Adelbert had stoped thinking about things he shook his head to rid of the thoughts he had just made adjusting his un strapped helmet to his head once again. The gun he held was yes made for killing and was a mechanism to try and defeat the allies. There was reason for him too be nervous about the situation happening around him. He had been pinned down by some suppressing fire and he was being followed by some allies in a patrol. Well atleast he felt that he was at that moment in time. Hopefully not but that was the worse outcome in this situation right? Wrong he could be dead and laying on the ground but that wasn’t going to happen just yet.
He tried to gether his thoughts and run forward to some more cover. No shots fired and he was still alive. Looking behind him there was no movement what so ever but that wasn’t enough to rensure him his life in this war. He was now searching for some germans and of course he wouldn’t find any that easy correct? Well there was a ptrol to the far north of him on the four corners intersection. He took no chances to stand up and wave or yell he just stayed quiet knowing that he would make it to them in time for him to assure his safety and such but what matter to him was the Patrol he had spoted before behind him. What was his reasoning for being out here alone like this?
Who knows, he thought as he ran towards another piece of cover that edged him even closer to the men who were standing around looking as if they were purposely waiting for Adelbert to arrive were they were to save the day? Of course not he laughed a bit while still running towards the men in the nazi uniforms. Only a few more yards and he could wave them over. What to do now?
Keep going was his decision as he ran even faster waveing his gun and free hand in the air “Over here!!” He yelled to the men. Not a close call yet not easy but not hard. He was safe and now Adelbert could head home without a papercut.
1) Tidy things up. There are a few basic mistakes such as not leaving a space after a full stop, that can easily be found by pasting the app into a MS word or whatever, and there are also a fairly large number of missing comma's in the writing sample.
2) Lengthen it a teensy bit. Nothing drastic, I just want to see a bit more length there. =]
~Dan
Account E-Mail: burghfootball3@aim.com
Name:Adelbert Van Cordlent
Nationality:
German
What Army will Your Character Serve Beneath?
Waffen SS :
Character History:
Childhood is a special time for most and so was it for Adelbert. It was a time to cherish and more then likely a time for him just to live as a normal old kid that wants to be friends with just about anybody. That is of course the ney-sayers to the Aryan race.Blond hair and blue eyes was the solution to the problems? Who knew about that obviously not Adelbert.
During his free time he would love to write poetry and storys about his friends. His family was filthy rich in ways making him able to go to schools and learn many things about the german culture/race and such. Also about grammer writing and all it was a very great time for him to be a child and want to live a long and prospurois life. He was great in school but didn’t pay much attention to it. What would he end up like his father and there friends in a factory produceing guns and such? He surely hoped not.
Adelbert grew up slowly and such just wanting to live life to its fullest and never sit around and watch the time fly by him he wanted to be doing doing doing at all times of his life. If he was bored he would find something creative to do or he would write down grammer stuff but most of all he would go outside to play with the others. He wasn’t one to be sitting around inside all the time even if no one was outside he would take a walk and such things like that.
As a teenager Adelbert’s walks became much more then just ones to look at beautiful germany. It was more like things looking at the Hitler posters and nazi signs that were just sitting around a little bit and showing what the Germans were up to now. His teenage life was filled with war and something that most were calling Blitzkrieg. What was this he would prospure to himself all the time at nights. It didn’t matter much to him right now but life would throw that at him soon enough.
The waffen SS had begun to recruit young teenagers and adults so that the army would grow larger as the Germans began to struggle in the war and more and more jews were being put into camps. Of course Adelbert was one of the many to get recruited. His fun and very lively child hood had built up to a sad and gruesome war that would change him from a young man into a young adult in no time.
Military Rank: SS-Rottenführer or SS-Unterscharführer
Writing Sample:
Allright shots were fired before. Run to the closet cover? Jesus lord what am I supposed to do? I wasn’t made for war now was I? Im the peaceful kid from the small house on the corner remember me? I don’t wanna die yet its too early for my time to be over on this earth remember that one god? Its rough yes I know but will you lend your great hand down too me and help with this huge fuck up im in? Please I beg of you.
Now that Adelbert had stoped thinking about things he shook his head to rid of the thoughts he had just made adjusting his un strapped helmet to his head once again. The gun he held was yes made for killing and was a mechanism to try and defeat the allies. There was reason for him too be nervous about the situation happening around him. He had been pinned down by some suppressing fire and he was being followed by some allies in a patrol. Well atleast he felt that he was at that moment in time. Hopefully not but that was the worse outcome in this situation right? Wrong he could be dead and laying on the ground but that wasn’t going to happen just yet.
He tried to gether his thoughts and run forward to some more cover. No shots fired and he was still alive. Looking behind him there was no movement what so ever but that wasn’t enough to rensure him his life in this war. He was now searching for some germans and of course he wouldn’t find any that easy correct? Well there was a ptrol to the far north of him on the four corners intersection. He took no chances to stand up and wave or yell he just stayed quiet knowing that he would make it to them in time for him to assure his safety and such but what matter to him was the Patrol he had spoted before behind him. What was his reasoning for being out here alone like this?
Who knows, he thought as he ran towards another piece of cover that edged him even closer to the men who were standing around looking as if they were purposely waiting for Adelbert to arrive were they were to save the day? Of course not he laughed a bit while still running towards the men in the nazi uniforms. Only a few more yards and he could wave them over. What to do now?
Keep going was his decision as he ran even faster waveing his gun and free hand in the air “Over here!!” He yelled to the men. Not a close call yet not easy but not hard. He was safe and now Adelbert could head home without a papercut.
