Post by Jerry Hoffman on Feb 28, 2009 0:15:22 GMT
Accepted![/b]
Unfortunately, I feel your application is very "brief", with numerous semi-paragraphs, making me feel half the time, I'm jumping from one movement or action, to another quickly.
There is little wrong with your writing and grammar, but as stated above, I feel your application can be jumping from one thing to another very quickly, due to the small paragraphs.
I would be happy to grant you the rank of Sergeant; As I feel you have not reached the Staff Sergeant material. That fine with you? Could you please register an account too please, as I'm unable to accept you onto the website.
Thanks,
~Danny[/color]
Account E-Mail: Odegaard's
(I need an E-Mail address or Account name; No pending accounts are by the name Odegaard)
Name: Jerry B. Hoffman
Nationality: American
What Army will Your Character Serve Beneath? US
Character History:
Jerry was born in Brooklyn in 1919 to William and Patricia Hoffman. His father was a a restaurant owner, and his mother a pretty young accountant. With a beautiful young child, there life seemed complete.
For his first ten years, Jerry spent his time at school, playing in the streets, and helping out in the restaurant. He thought he was destined to own a restaurant. He loved making sandwiches, cooking, serving and the likes. But it all ended in 1929.
As the Great Depression set in, the stream of customers decreased steadily. Poverty was widespread, and it's fingers soon touched Jerry's family. Forced to close the restraint, Jerry was crushed. Jerry's father was also forced into the accounting industry. They were forced to stand in lines for hours to get food and lived in terrible conditions.
Most of Jerry's teenage life was spent doing day jobs for small profit and doing whatever he could to stay entertained. It was an extremely unhappy time of Jerry's life.
When he reached adulthood, the depression was slowly letting off, giving him a small apartment in the city. He met a young woman by the name of Ivy Todd. They fell deeply in love, and moved in together. But then news of Hitler and Germany reached the US, Jerry began to see what he had to do.
Being a strong member of the Democratic party and wanting to defend freedom and the USA, when Jerry heard that Germany had invaded Poland, Jerry signed up for the US Army.
Military Rank: Staff Sergeant
Writing Sample:
The distant sound of gunfire rang out as Jerry nervously looked around. He had been separated from his squad for at least an hour now, a result of a German ambush. Jerry had fled after a German had opened up fire on him from the bushes. He had been walking for since then, jumping at any trace of a sound.
Jerry adjusted his grip on the M1 Garand that he held in his hands. His palms were sweaty, a result of the constant fear that ensued in him. The sun was setting fast, and if Jerry was left out after dark, there was little hope for him.
Tripping on a small rock, Jerry did a face plant in the dirt. Slowly getting up and dusting himself off, he looked around the terrain stretching out before him. A few scattered trees and small shrubs were planted on the landscape, but most of it was bare.
Picking up his rifle and continuing down the path, Jerry still glanced around nervously. To calm down his racing thoughts, Jerry thought about his fiancee, Ivy. He saw her in her long green dress, her black hair flowing against her pale, freckled skin. Jerry longed to be back home, holding her in his hands.
He was jolted out of his thoughts as a harsh shout sounded to his right. Turning quickly, Jerry saw a German soldier signaling three of his comrades with a wave of his hand. Several shots broke out, hitting the dirt near Jerry. "Damn!"
Jerry sprinted twords the nearest tree, slumping against it's trunk. The German soldiers shouted again behind him, and more shots hit the tree.
Jerry took a deep breath and turned, shouldering his M1 Garand. Firing three shots at the yelling German, causing him to collapse on the ground. Quickly turning around again, he cleared the rest of his magazine on another German. Turning back against the tree, he reached for a new magazine.
None. No more magazines. Damn. Fear seized Jerry's heart, and he dropped his rifle. He knew what he had to do. Holding his breath, Jerry stood up, his hands extended over his head. The Germans got the message and lowered there rifles.
Then one of the Germans dropped. Then the other. Then several men appeared to Jerry's left. "Come on Jerry, put your damn hands down and come with us." Jerry smiled at the familiar sound of his commanding officer's voice.
Unfortunately, I feel your application is very "brief", with numerous semi-paragraphs, making me feel half the time, I'm jumping from one movement or action, to another quickly.
There is little wrong with your writing and grammar, but as stated above, I feel your application can be jumping from one thing to another very quickly, due to the small paragraphs.
I would be happy to grant you the rank of Sergeant; As I feel you have not reached the Staff Sergeant material. That fine with you? Could you please register an account too please, as I'm unable to accept you onto the website.
Thanks,
~Danny[/color]
Account E-Mail: Odegaard's
(I need an E-Mail address or Account name; No pending accounts are by the name Odegaard)
Name: Jerry B. Hoffman
Nationality: American
What Army will Your Character Serve Beneath? US
Character History:
Jerry was born in Brooklyn in 1919 to William and Patricia Hoffman. His father was a a restaurant owner, and his mother a pretty young accountant. With a beautiful young child, there life seemed complete.
For his first ten years, Jerry spent his time at school, playing in the streets, and helping out in the restaurant. He thought he was destined to own a restaurant. He loved making sandwiches, cooking, serving and the likes. But it all ended in 1929.
As the Great Depression set in, the stream of customers decreased steadily. Poverty was widespread, and it's fingers soon touched Jerry's family. Forced to close the restraint, Jerry was crushed. Jerry's father was also forced into the accounting industry. They were forced to stand in lines for hours to get food and lived in terrible conditions.
Most of Jerry's teenage life was spent doing day jobs for small profit and doing whatever he could to stay entertained. It was an extremely unhappy time of Jerry's life.
When he reached adulthood, the depression was slowly letting off, giving him a small apartment in the city. He met a young woman by the name of Ivy Todd. They fell deeply in love, and moved in together. But then news of Hitler and Germany reached the US, Jerry began to see what he had to do.
Being a strong member of the Democratic party and wanting to defend freedom and the USA, when Jerry heard that Germany had invaded Poland, Jerry signed up for the US Army.
Military Rank: Staff Sergeant
Writing Sample:
The distant sound of gunfire rang out as Jerry nervously looked around. He had been separated from his squad for at least an hour now, a result of a German ambush. Jerry had fled after a German had opened up fire on him from the bushes. He had been walking for since then, jumping at any trace of a sound.
Jerry adjusted his grip on the M1 Garand that he held in his hands. His palms were sweaty, a result of the constant fear that ensued in him. The sun was setting fast, and if Jerry was left out after dark, there was little hope for him.
Tripping on a small rock, Jerry did a face plant in the dirt. Slowly getting up and dusting himself off, he looked around the terrain stretching out before him. A few scattered trees and small shrubs were planted on the landscape, but most of it was bare.
Picking up his rifle and continuing down the path, Jerry still glanced around nervously. To calm down his racing thoughts, Jerry thought about his fiancee, Ivy. He saw her in her long green dress, her black hair flowing against her pale, freckled skin. Jerry longed to be back home, holding her in his hands.
He was jolted out of his thoughts as a harsh shout sounded to his right. Turning quickly, Jerry saw a German soldier signaling three of his comrades with a wave of his hand. Several shots broke out, hitting the dirt near Jerry. "Damn!"
Jerry sprinted twords the nearest tree, slumping against it's trunk. The German soldiers shouted again behind him, and more shots hit the tree.
Jerry took a deep breath and turned, shouldering his M1 Garand. Firing three shots at the yelling German, causing him to collapse on the ground. Quickly turning around again, he cleared the rest of his magazine on another German. Turning back against the tree, he reached for a new magazine.
None. No more magazines. Damn. Fear seized Jerry's heart, and he dropped his rifle. He knew what he had to do. Holding his breath, Jerry stood up, his hands extended over his head. The Germans got the message and lowered there rifles.
Then one of the Germans dropped. Then the other. Then several men appeared to Jerry's left. "Come on Jerry, put your damn hands down and come with us." Jerry smiled at the familiar sound of his commanding officer's voice.
